Okay
by The Forgotten Nobody
Summary: (Infinity War Spoilers) Most of the people who disappeared don't remember where they'd gone. Peter isn't one of them.
1. Chapter 1

_This links in with my previous one-shot 'Nothing' and while it's not necessary to read it, it might help._

* * *

In the Nothing, there is no concept of time or space. There are only millions of souls, floating entities that Peter can sense but not communicate with. He is trapped; a victim to his endless thoughts, holding onto the dimming hope that help will come-

And then he is thrust back into the universe, a whole body once more, appearing right back where he'd vanished.

Peter doesn't notice the others who have also appeared. He can't, not when suddenly existing again is overwhelming his senses. The firm, sandy ground beneath him burns his hands, its dusty red shade practically neon to Peter's eyes. He clenches them tight and after becoming so accustomed to silence, the voices around him merge into one deafening hum.

Even before the spider-bite, Peter had suffered from sensory overload. While he'd created methods to help cope with it, especially after their enhancement, there's no way he could have prepared himself for this. He's not just gone from 0 to 100, he's gone from -1000 to 1000 and a part of him almost wants to go back to the Nothing again. How is he supposed to be able to live in this reality now, where everything is too bright and too loud? The existence he'd once taken for granted now feels like a burden, like he was put back here just to combust.

The panic ends up muffling it all and so Peter allows himself to fall prey to it, not realising he's hyperventilating until there's a hand pressed under his chin, guiding his face upwards. They coax his eyes open and the blurred sight of another human being, not just a presence he can barely sense, makes it feel like his chest is caving in because this doesn't feel real, it can't be real, maybe he's just in the Nothing still and his mind is playing cruel tricks on-

"-eter. Breathe. Follow my breath. Here." His hand is taken but Peter's in too much shock to even consider ripping it away, despite how the touch itches. Trembling fingers unclench his own and then his palm is pressed against something soft yet sturdy. A chest? It has to be. Steady, if slightly fast, thuds pulse beneath Peter's hand and he puts all his concentration on them until his own heart rate ( _he has a heart again_ ) resembles something similar.

"You got it kid, that's it."

Panting, Peter slowly raises his head upwards again. The colours start to separate now, revealing the image of Doctor Strange kneeling in front of him.

"We-we were in that place. That…the Nothing. Right? A-and now we're, we're…"

"We're back Peter," Doctor Strange confirms, his voice a low rumble. It seems almost unfair how collected the man seems compared to Peter, but then a memory hits him.

"Y-you knew. The one future we win, this is it?"

"It is," Doctor Strange agrees and suddenly, Peter is reminded they're not the only ones on the planet.

"You knew?" The other man, Star Lord, shouts. "And you didn't think to tell us?" His face is puffy and red, probably similar to what Peter's must look like. The bug lady is sat on the ground and the tattooed guy is holding her shoulder while she pinches her face tight.

Giving the hand Peter still has over his chest a brief pat, Doctor Strange stands and Peter replaces it over his own chest, striving to maintain its steadier rhythm.

"If I had told you, do you think the events would have passed as they did? I saw one positive outcome. _One_. I couldn't risk losing it!"

"So to win we had to lose, huh, is that it? Because that sounds like a really fucking sucky deal and I-" Star Lord stops and turns his face away. Peter can just see it crumple into an expression of pure agony. When they'd fought before, when they'd almost had him, Thanos had said something, something about a woman…Gamara, no, Gamora…?

A flash of swirling rainbow lights slams down from the sky, causing Peter to shield his eyes and take deep inhales to try and calm his startled heart. Barely has he opened them again when there are hands clasping his shoulders tight. It's Mr. Stark and Peter's first thought is that he looks _old_.

Peter knows that Mr. Stark isn't all that young, and he'd always had a kind of weariness about him, but he'd always managed to counter it with uncontained energy and an aloof attitude, wearing a confidence Peter could never hope to emulate. Now, that armour has shattered and it's left behind a frail man with grey streaked hair, bloodshot eyes and hands that, though they grip Peter desperately tight, are racked with tremors.

The might have returned, but at what cost?

"Peter. Kid. Tell me you're okay. _Tell me_."

Peter is not okay. He is the furthest from okay but when he looks up to the man he considered a mentor, the man who has freed them all, he knows he can't tell him.

"I-I'm okay."

He knows he's made the right choice when those two words make the older man collapse in relief and Peter is gathered into his first proper hug.

He can pretend, just for a bit.

For Mr. Stark.

* * *

Travelling by Bifrost isn't nearly as fun as Peter had once believed it would be and when they land back in New York, he greets it by throwing up. As disgusting as it is, the action is almost a relief to Peter. Back in the Nothing, when Peter had been at his clearest and, as a consequence, his most frightened, he hadn't had any way to relieve the panic and stress. All he'd had was a mind that couldn't switch off until the fog came to claim him once more. Even the acid lingering at the back of his throat is a comfort because it's _something_. It's a burn that reminds him he's alive.

Sometimes, in the Nothing, he'd had trouble remembering if he'd even ever existed, or if the Nothing had been all there ever was.

While Peter is busy throwing up, there's a flurry of activity and Peter thinks he just catches Captain America disappear with Thor before there's a tissue and glass handed to him. He rasps out a thanks and Colonal Rhodes offers him a small smile.

"Must look nicer than it feels, huh?"

"Yeah." Peter watches as a little robot, similar to a roomba, zooms over and starts cleaning. It lets out a little squeak every time it accidently bumps into furniture and it's almost enough to draw a smile out of Peter. Almost.

"Where-"

"To get the others in Wakanda," Mr. Stark interrupts. He's tapping furiously on his phone but he doesn't get to finish as it gets slammed out of his hands by Star Lord.

"I want answers. What happened? Where did we go? How did you bring us back? Did you manage to bring back-"

"Enough!" Mr Stark's voice is sharp, containing a bite foreign to Peter. He rubs his forehead and then turns to Doctor Strange.

"I guess you know what went down?"

"I have an idea."

"Good. Well, when everyone gets back you can help explain. I'm only telling this story once so you can sit down like a good boy and wait."

"But-"

" _Zip it._ Why don't you worry about your friend over there?"

The bug lady still looks ill, kind of like how Peter feels, and though Star Lord looks torn, he eventually joins her on the sofa, murmuring something to the big guy.

"Now that's settled, Bruce," Mr Stark calls and Peter swivels to find Doctor Banner also there, standing beside Black Widow. There are also a few other people milling around who Peter doesn't recognise, a couple of them offering him smiles. "Check them over. Start with Peter."

The thought of tests and more hands touching him, and not just his suit but exposed skin, instantly sets Peter on edge. As Doctor Banner approaches, Peter turns to Mr. Stark and says, "I feel fine. Really. Could I…I just want to go home. I want-I want May."

Embarrassingly, Peter finds his throat closes up. He feels like a little kid again, waking from a nightmare and needing the kind of comfort only his Aunt can give. The thought of May had been one of the things that kept him mostly sane in the Nothing and now he finds he needs her like he needs air. He needs her to hug him and tell him everything will be okay, even if it won't.

Both Mr. Stark and Doctor Banner pause and just as Peter's ready to fight/burst into tears, Mr. Stark's shoulders sag. "You sure you're okay Peter?"

"I don't hurt or anything," he replies, because technically, that's not a lie. "Only a bit woozy from the Brifrost. I just really wanna see my Aunt."

"And you're sure you don't wanna stay just to hear what happened?" Mr. Stark checks and Peter shakes his head.

"Can I just get the cliff notes version later?" He asks weakly.

"Sure kid, there's still some stuff you need to know but I'll tell you in the jet."

"The jet? Wait, you're gonna take me back?"

"You bet," Mr. Stark nods, "And if I hear _one_ complaint," he directs to Star Lord who shuts his open mouth, "I will take my _sweet, sweet_ time about it. C'mon Peter."

After throwing on some civilian clothes over his suit, Peter follows Mr. Stark where there's a collection of jets waiting outside. They get in the smallest one and as Mr. Stark shows off another talent of his, Peter finally finds it a bit easier to breathe.

He's going home.

* * *

Peter learns on the way back that Mr. Stark ( _Tony kid, please, I think you've earnt that right_ ) – Tony, and the others turned back time meaning that they technically reappeared only 5 minutes after they'd been sent away. Peter's not sure how that can be as, for all that time hadn't really been a _thing_ in the Nothing, he swears it had to have been longer than that. He doesn't voice this, however, and instead he continues to learn that those 5 minutes caused a ton of damage. Tony assures him that he'll be providing some enhanced security for the flat.

A lot of what Peter hears raises questions but he finds that he just doesn't have the energy to ask them. Instead, he lets it all sink in and sees the evidence below them. There are fires dotted all around the city, multiple flashing lights, but already there are people out there trying to fix things.

He wonders how many of them have come back from the Nothing and if so, how they're all finding the energy when for him the Nothing is still ripping him from the inside.

Maybe they're all just stronger than Peter.

Tony tells him that May had also gone to the Nothing and so maybe she can help. She can tell him the secret to how everyone is dealing with it.

At the very least, he won't have to go through it alone.

* * *

They land in a nearby park but thankfully, despite their obvious entrance, there's enough commotion that they easily get lost in the crowd. He'd worry about the jet but he guesses it must have some technology that makes it un-stealable or something. Any other situation, Peter would wanna know just how that worked.

Peter knocks on the door when they arrive and the moment it opens he's bombarded by Aunt May, her arms wrapping firmly around him, the smell of her floral perfume strong, but reassuring. He'd imagined this moment a lot in the Nothing, in his darkest moments believing he'd never get a hug again, and so he can't help it. He bursts into tears. Aunt May makes a surprised noise before she's shushing him gently just as she used to, rocking side to side and stroking his hair.

"What happened?" May directs at Tony. "One minute I'm washing the dishes and the next, a plate is smashed and I've got a message from you telling me not to worry. How did it get here? What's going on outside?"

Tony begins to answer but something May said clicks in Peter's head. He lifts it from where it's buried against her damp chest.

"You mean you don't remember?" He manages to get out through sniffles.

"Remember what? Was this to do with that alien attack? Did we all get knocked unconscious or…?"

"It's a long story," Tony replies wearily. He begins another brief explanation while the gears turn in Peter's brain.

She doesn't remember.

She doesn't remember the endless reality where they were both something and nothing. She doesn't have memories of endless fear and hopelessness. She doesn't remember any of it. To her, it all happened in the blink of an eye.

In fact, that was probably how it was for the rest of the world.

It's at that moment Peter realises he can't tell her. He can't risk her remembering. It's a burden he wouldn't wish upon anyone, especially not May. He'll just have to be strong. Be an Avenger and deal with it himself. He can do that. He has to.

Tony eventually leaves, treating Peter to a second, rough hug and a firm, "You let me know if you need anything, _anything_ ," and then May leads Peter into the leaving room where she makes him a hot coco and bundles him in a blanket warmed by the dryer. She doesn't tell him everything will be okay, mostly because she doesn't really understand just what's left Peter in the state he's in, but she does bathe him in love and at that moment, it almost feels like enough.

* * *

 _So this is part 1 of 2. I'm not going to lie, I've had one of the worst days ever today and I needed something to cheer me up, even if just a little bit._

 _I'd like it known I don't hate Peter (Quill) but the situation is just bringing out the worst in him. Everyone is just really stressed right now. Hopefully, I'll have the second part up by this time next week._

 _You can find me on tumblr as scarlett-ice where I might post some snippets for the next part._


	2. Chapter 2

New York begins to recover.

Peter doesn't.

 ** _Day 1_**

That evening, Peter falls asleep cocooned in a blanket, gentle fingers carding through his hair and the TV a low, soothing buzz in the background.

He immediately returns to the Nothing.

This time, though, it's different. This time, there are no other presences to sense, no other souls trapped with him.

He is completely alone.

The Nothing has truly become that; an endless abyss of emptiness where now only he remains. Maybe the others were never even there to begin with. Maybe it was all a trick, or his imagination, and really he's been there all along and there he'll stay forev-

"Peter!"

Peter wakes with locked limbs, his mouth open in a silent gasp. Above him hovers the worried face of Aunt May and she helps sit him up until his body is able to function again.

"I thought you…I don't know. You've always been such a restless sleeper but then you became so still and it looked like you were in pain…"

He wants to tell her, he wants to tell her _so bad._ But-

"I-I'm okay. It was a dream…a dream about Thanos."

"Oh sweetie."

He's gathered up into another hug and it's with growing horror that Peter realises May is still in her uniform. He can't have been asleep for that long at all.

And yet it felt like he'd been back in the Nothing for eons.

Shoving that thought away for later, Peter is able to placate May enough that she leaves him to get ready for sleep herself while he goes to his room. He stares at his bed, the covers familiar and inviting, but ends up turning away from them. Instead, he heads to his desk, plugs in his headphones and with old pop music blasting in his ears, starts to work on an essay he was supposed to have finished for that morning.

He doesn't get any more sleep that night.

 ** _Day 2_**

Peter's alarm blares unnecessarily.

School has been cancelled until further notice. The hospital, on the other hand, is overcrowded and so by the time Peter ventures from his room there's a note waiting for him in the kitchen. Aunt May tells him she'll come home immediately if he calls but he knows he won't. He can't.

Peter spends the morning on the sofa, watching reruns of cartoons he used to watch as a kid, and just while he's debating gathering the energy to make a sandwich, the doorbell rings. It's the guys come to install the new Stark security system and it's not that Peter thought Tony would have forgotten about it, just that he might have been too busy to organise it so soon.

They finish in record time and then ask if he needs anything else. Though they look doubtful when he says no, they don't press. They leave probably wondering why Tony is so concerned about a teenager.

Sometimes Peter wonders that himself.

In the afternoon, the official press release for the 'Thanos Incident' goes live on TV. Lying on the sofa upside down in attempt to keep his gritty eyes open, Peter turns up the volume.

The camera focuses in on Tony and Captain America stood in front of hundreds of news reporters. They start off with an explanation of events that's pretty similar to what Peter had both experienced and been told, along with covering the parts of the initial battle he'd not been involved in. They then go into the details, such as the lore of the Infinity Stones and the new heroes of the battle, like the cyborg lady Peter had seen in the facility – Nebula. Apparently she had struck the killing blow but no, she would not be making an appearance. She'd already left Earth along with the rest of the 'Guardians of the Galaxy'.

Once their statement has been concluded, they allow time for questions and, as expected, there is a brief decent into absolute chaos.

"You never explained why you couldn't just reverse time to before half the population was wiped out!" One woman accuses. It causes a large uproar of agreement; one Peter silently joins in with.

Doctor Strange, who had previously been standing to the side, takes centre stage. "The time stone is a fickle thing," he says. "The pocket of the universe we were trapped in was unaffected by time. This means that while it was possible to remove us, they would not have been able to return to a point before Thanos sent us there. If they had managed that, it likely would have created a reality where we both existed there and here."

Peter pales, his breathing quickening until he reminds himself that hadn't happened. He _isn't_ here and there, not really. They would say, if the loop had been created, wouldn't they?

"So we didn't actually die?" Another reporter asks.

"No. Had we all actually been killed, then there would have been less issue in preventing us disappearing in the first place. What actually happened was Thanos sent us to another dimension, a place where all things that do not exist remain."

"How is such a place possible? It doesn't make any sense!"

"The universe rarely does. I'm afraid I can't offer much more than that. Are there any other questions?"

Of course there are. After answering some questions about the other heroes and restoration plans, they wrap it up, much to the disappointment and anger of many of the reporters. Peter doesn't feel bad for them though because there's no hiding the lines of tension on all 3 men's faces as they leave the stage. No one has been left happy from this press release, it seems.

Including Peter.

 ** _Day 3_**

Once again, there's a note left for him, the same as before apart from one added sentence.

 _Invite some friends over!_

Peter spends a few minutes debating. Ned had been taken to the Nothing as well (but, like everyone else, doesn't remember it) whereas Michelle had stayed and witnessed the chaos of those 5 minutes. Both of them seem to be doing okay though and Peter's worried to let them see how he is. He's not sure he could stand their worry too.

But he does miss his friends.

Unable to make up his mind, Peter puts the decision to the flip of a coin and it results in him inviting both Ned and Michelle over. Not only does Peter want to see her too, but with Michelle present, Ned can't ask things about Spider-Man Peter isn't ready to answer yet. He's both excited and nervous when they both say they can come and it's just after lunch that Michelle arrives.

"Oh sweet, you look like shit too. So, where's this Stark tech? I wanna see if I can replicate it for my place."

Peter could've kissed her. He moves aside and watches bemusedly as she pulls over a chair, climbing on it to get a look of the software that's been installed around the door. Though Peter offers to ask Tony to install some for her, she instantly declines and continues rummaging around the circuitry. Peter doesn't think she'd do anything too damaging so leaves her to it, answering her questions the best he can. Ned turns up shortly afterwards and after spending a fleeting moment staring in confusion at Michelle, excitedly reveals the new Lego set they'd talked about building before the…before.

"Better than drugs I guess," Michelle comments once she joins them, the security system thankfully left looking unharmed. "Why not build something cooler though? Following instructions is boring."

"There's nothing cooler than the Millennium Falcon!" Ned replies, scandalised. "This is _Hans Solo's_ ship, he's the coolest guy ever!"

"Leia's cooler."

"Well, she doesn't have a ship."

"Why not?"

"Because she's not a pilot. She's a princess."

"And so princesses can't also be pirates? Why not make her a ship? _That_ would be cool."

"I don't-what-Peter." Ned turns pleading onto Peter, who manages a genuine grin.

"I guess we could always try and build a ship for Leia first, then make the Falcon?"

"Knew I could always rely on you." Michelle punches him lightly on the arm and, to Peter's surprise, he doesn't flinch.

"Let's make one badass ship."

 ** _Day 4_**

Despite wearing himself out with Ned and Michelle and actually enjoying himself, Peter still suffers another sleepless night and the effects are becoming extremely noticeable. He's struggling to focus, he's getting random aches and pains and his anxiety is reaching new heights.

Aunt May makes it home early that evening, while Peter is eating dinner, meaning that he isn't able to hide from her. It's the first time he's properly seen her since that first day and he just prays he doesn't look as bad as he feels. He knows it's a long-shot the moment she spies his face.

"Peter, honey, are you ill?" She rushes towards him, pressing her hand to his forehead.

"I'm…," he can't say everything's fine. It's clearly not and she'll push so…"I'm just having a little trouble sleeping."

"A little," she frowns. "You don't have a temperature…is it nightmares?"

"Some," Peter admits. "About…Thanos. It'll get better. I mean, it already is." He hates how the lies feel on his tongue but they're necessary. He hopes she doesn't push further because he feels like a spring, coiled tight and ready to burst at the slightest touch.

She doesn't look convinced and Peter holds his breath.

"Have you spoken to Tony? Maybe he could offer some…"

"No!" Peter's fork clangs against his plate and he drops it quickly. "I'm okay, really…Tony's busy anyway. I don't want to bother him."

"Sweetie, you wouldn't be a bother to him. You heard what he said, _anything_. I don't think it could hurt-"

"I said no!" Peter bites his lip, casting his eyes downward. "Sorry, I just…please Aunt May, if thing don't improve then-then I'll do it but for now I just…I want to forget about it, I don't want to be reminded."

May hesitates before sighing. "Okay Peter, I'll give you a couple more days. If things don't improve then I'm putting my foot down."

Though he might have won the battle, it doesn't feel like a victory.

 ** _Day 5_**

Peter's eating lunch when he receives 2 texts, one after the other.

 **Hey kid, sorry for the short notice but we're having a party, well, not exactly a party, more a get-together, a break, yeah FRIDAY go with break. Tomorrow, 7pm. Just some of the guys who were there. You know.**

 **Anyway, no pressure to come. Just let me know if you want to. Happy can pick you-yes Happy, you, he can pick you up. Talk later Pete.**

Peter doesn't reply and when May comes home that evening, it's clear that this wasn't a spontaneous invitation from Tony.

"He checked with you first?" Peter eventually asks after the 5th time May has glanced over, anticipation obvious.

"One of the conditions I made a while back," May confesses. "Did you say no?"

"I haven't replied yet. I…don't know."

May joins him on the sofa, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "I know Tony and I have had our differences but I think it could be good for you, Peter. Maybe seeing everyone again in a relaxed atmosphere would help with the nightmares."

Honestly, Peter had been thinking the same thing.

But he's scared.

He's scared that everyone will see just how badly he's been coping, how weak he is. They'll realise that a kid who's too scared to look at his own suit, let alone wear it, shouldn't have it anymore. He shouldn't be an Avenger.

"You've not been out of the flat in days," May says gently. "Why not say yes and then see how you feel tomorrow?"

Deriving courage from May, Peter gets out his phone.

 ** _Day 6_**

Peter falls asleep at 1.00 am in the morning and wakes at 7.30 am. It's the longest amount of time he's spent asleep since he returned but he startles awake with the belief he's still trapped in the Nothing because those six and a half hours had felt longer than a lifetime.

By the time the evening rolls around, his spidey sense has calmed down but he still feels on edge, the Nothing a constant presence at the back of his mind, never letting him go.

"I think this shirt would be nice, what do you think?"

Peter shrugs. He doesn't really care about the clothes. He cares about the concealer May had relented in letting him borrow.

As May is helping him hide the last of the bruises under his eyes, the security system informs them Happy has arrived. Though Peter panics a little when he says goodbye to May, it eases when he slides into the back of the car and Happy treats him as he usually does, if a little chattier to compensate for Peter's quietness. When they get there, he finds that (thankfully) he is one of the last to arrive, allowing him to blend in as well as a teenager surrounded by a bunch of adult superheroes can.

"And Tony should be…there he is."

Tony must have been waiting for him because he's by the entrance and quickly ditches Colonel Rhodes to come greet Peter, releasing Happy to go in search of the buffet table he'd told Peter about in great, _great_ , detail.

"Hey Peter, glad you could make it. How've you been?"

The too wide grin on Tony's face only exaggerates the lines that have grown and there's a sallowness to his skin that his own concealer cannot completely hide.

"I'm good," Peter lies. "Thanks for the security system. I think my friend is going to try and make her own."

"If she manages that then you tell her to give me a call," Tony says, wrapping an arm around Peter's shoulders and drawing him away from the eyes that peer over at them. "So, you nicknamed this one yet? Is Karen jealous?"

"Uh, don't think so." Peter tries for a smile. He misses Karen, but not enough.

"Well, that's good. So, tell me, what have you been getting up to since school's been shut? I've got some projects on the back burner that you could always take a look at if you wanted…"

Peter ends up lying more than he intends to. It's harder than he thought; pretending everything's fine, because with the exception of Ned and Michelle visiting, everything he's done the past week indicates it _isn't_. He's grateful that Tony keeps the focus more on the prototypes he's building but it doesn't last. Tony's midway through explaining the science behind Bruce's restorative bandages when Captain America taps him on the shoulder. He offers Peter a tight smile and it's with a matching one that Tony apologizes and disappears with him. Thankfully, it's not before calling over Pepper Potts, who manages to draw Peter in an easy conversation about school.

Eventually though, there's another emergency requiring her attention and Peter is left alone in the crowd; including some he's fought with (and against) and others who are complete strangers. He notices the way he gets caught in the corners of people's eyes and gets out his phone in an attempt to look busy. As the only teenager here, he might as well play the part of one.

It doesn't help the sick feeling growing in his stomach though, which turns into a feeling of detachment as the Nothing that has been a constant presence at the back of his mind becomes stronger. His spidey-sense alerting him that someone is approaching, Peter decides that now's the perfect time to take a break of his own. He still has a room in the facility he can use to ground himself.

He doesn't get very far before he hears a noise, like a slam. A second one follows quickly and Peter realises it's coming from the lab. Cautiously, Peter creeps up to the door. There can't be an intruder, can there? Unless FRIDAY got damaged and Tony doesn't know? Or maybe he's still fixing her…

He opens the door but there are no intruders. There's only Tony, looking at Peter with the worst expression the teenager has ever seen on his face. He tries to cover it up but it's too late. Peter has just seen the look of an utterly destroyed man and it painfully mirrors how he feels inside.

"Peter." Tony coughs, clearing his throat. "What are you doing here?"

"…I was gonna go to my room for a bit," Peter replies. He bites his lip then carefully asks, "Mr-Tony, are you okay?"

"I'm fi-" Tony cuts himself off, a bitter smile creeping onto his face. "No point in lying really, is there? I'm doing a bit shi-crappy kid. But don't you worry, you hear? You go enjoy the party, or your room, whatever you wanna do."

Peter hesitates. His own issues barely measure up to what Tony must have gone through. Maybe if he can't deal with his own demons, he can help someone else with theirs. Especially the man who was partly responsible for rescuing him from hell.

"You saved the world," Peter starts off with, leaning back against the table. "If it weren't for you, half the population would still be gone. I don't know what happened in that year you spent fighting but it must have been worth it, right?"

Tony heaves a sigh. "It is worth it kid, and thanks, but it's not so simple. That year, the year that technically doesn't even exist now…it still feels like I'm back there sometimes, back in the world where humanity destroying itself in its confusion. And then, when I think things might just be going okay again, I get a call about another issue. An issue I should have prevented. But…that's not talk for tonight. It's fine. I'm fine. I'll get over it. After all, that's what we're celebrating tonight, isn't it? We won."

Peter can't match Tony's attempt at a smile. His words have struck him too close to home. Does he mention it? He doesn't want Tony to worry but…but suddenly he just can't keep it in any longer.

"I know what's like," he says quietly, the faintest hint of a tremble in his voice. Tony's head snaps upwards.

"What do you mean? You weren't, you mean you didn't-"

"I did…disappear," Peter confirms. "But unlike everyone else…I remember where we all went. I call it the N-Nothing."

"Remember…shit, kid, you too? Strange and Quill mentioned they had faint memories of that place but I just thought that was due to their freaky powers."

"I guess I've got some freaky powers too?" Peter offers weakly. "I'm not-not trying to make it about me," he carries on with false bravado betrayed by the shaking of his body, "but I just want you to know that-that I know it can be difficult to remember we're here and i-it's thanks to you M-Tony, that we are. When I was there and I could…think more clearly, I was thinking about how you'd save us. I knew you'd do it."

"That's some pressure kid," Tony replies, voice barely louder than a whisper.

"But you did, didn't you? You saved us so even-even if it can feel like we're back there, we're not. You did it and-and we're not in the loop, are we? The loop you mentioned because-because…"

Tony crosses the lab, wrapping Peter in a tight hug.

"Shhh kid, we're not in the loop. I promise. Whatever's going on, you're not back there, you're not _going_ back. What we did, it was permanent. Thanos is gone. That's right, get it out Peter."

Once the tears come, there's no stopping them. It's like a damn has broken and everything he'd been keeping inside him is releasing in the form of heaving sobs. All the stuff he's gone through in the past week, the nightmares, the sleep deprivation, it had been leading to a breakdown like this but he's not sure he wants to stop this even if he could. As much as he hadn't wanted to burden Tony like this, he can't deny that letting it out has relieved some of the pressure that had been crushing him.

Peter's not sure how long he cries for but through it all, Tony doesn't waver, he continues to offer hushed words of comfort and lets Peter get snot all over his expensive clothes. He's pretty sure there's a matching damp spot on his hair anyways. When the sobs finally dry to sniffles, he pulls back, wiping his eyes. Tony's eyes soften.

"Those are some heavy bags you got there kid," he says gently. "What'd I say about not being like me?"

"I've not been sleeping," Peter admits with a large sniff. "E-every time I close my eyes, I got back there and each time it feels longer than the last. I hate it but I just- I don't know what to do. I thought it'd get better but it's just…not."

"C'mon, let's sit down." Tony leads them over to the comfy seats in the lab, meant for lunch breaks. "Sounds to me like you might have some PTSD," he says once they've sat. "And it's nothing to be ashamed of Peter. Trust me, I've had it before and I think I've got it now too. I'm guessing you haven't spoken to anyone about this apart from me?"

Peter shakes his head. "I didn't want to risk Aunt May remembering."

"Course you didn't," Tony says, exasperation in his tone but an almost fond smile on his face. "I'd guess that's done nothing to help. You feeling any better now?"

"A little," Peter confesses. Despite the fuzziness in his head from crying so longer, the lightness he'd felt earlier has remained, as if the Nothing has a little less hold on him now.

"What do you say kid, if I pull on my big boy pants and go to some therapy, you think you could do the same?" Though Peter's instinct is to cringe and decline, he knows that carrying on as he is won't change anything. Talking to Tony helped, talking to someone actually trained to help…

If Tony is going to go, that can't mean he's being weak, can it?

"I can call Strange too; see if he's got some voodoo that can help out. Hell, even just talking to someone else who remembers being there might do you some good."

"Thanks Tony," Peter says, bottom lip still quivering slightly. "You don't have to do all this for me."

"Hey, sure I do. I _want_ to. When I told you anything I meant it kid. I didn't bring you back just so you could suffer more. The world needs its Spider-Man."

Ice spreads through Peter. He swallows before asking, "Even…even if I can't be Spider-Man anymore?"

"What do you mean?"

"I want to, I want to be Spider-Man, but every time I look at the suit I just, I can't even consider putting it on."

"Hey," Tony knocks his chin upwards so Peter can see the sincerity in his eyes. "Even then. Your worth is not defined by that suit. If you get to a point where you want to wear it again, great, if you don't well, that's fine too. Peter Parker is a helluva guy."

The burning behind his eyes returns.

"You're a strong kid Peter. I know if you still want to be Spider-Man, you'll get there. Recovery just takes time."

"Thanks Tony," Peter repeats, barely holding back the tears. "And you'll get better too."

"We both will, sound like a deal?"

Offering a watery smile, Peter says "Deal."

"Now." Tony claps his hands. "I think that's enough of that for one night. I don't know about you but I'm not feeling too sociable anymore. What do you say we go work on one of those projects I told you about earlier? Dummy's been nagging me to upgrade his weaponry despite the fact he's still got the aim of a toddler…"

So maybe Peter still doesn't get that much sleep. He does, however, manage to get so invested in the science that he barely notices the Nothing trying to claw him back in and any time it threatens to succeed, there's a reassuring hand on his shoulder, a distraction to a new piece of tech. And when he catches Tony glancing at him, checking he's still there, he offers a suggestion about what they could do in the future. The future they both now have.

Morning comes and though Peter's brain still feels like a tired, scrambled mess, he wears a smile on his face and feels like things really might just turn out okay.

* * *

 _So I ended up really struggling with this and I still don't like how it turned out. Maybe one day in the future I'll revisit this in the hopes I'm at least more satisfied. I would, however, love to know what you thought. Perhaps it's better than I think._


End file.
